I am writing this for myself. It is cathartic for me. I do not often bear the inner depths of my soul and broadcast it across the internet. I take a sort of solace in knowing that what I write on the shadowy shallows of Medium is read by very few. Last October (2019), I lost my sister. It was not unexpected, but, it is always sudden when you lose someone close to you. She was the last member of the nucleus that formed my family. I lost my mother in ’93, and then, my father in ’99. I lost one of my nieces in the mid-2000’s and about a year and a half later, my brother. I scattered his ashes from a Forest Service lookout tower, that was one of his favorite places. I believe the time he spent in the summers in the lookout were the favorite times of his life. I have also lost close friends. I have never felt more alone in the world than I do now.
“All your dreams and your lovers won’t protect you, They’re only passing through you in the end. They’ll leave you stripped of all that they can get to, And wait for you to come back again. …
From that lamp on down the hall. Maybe the star of Bethlehem Wasn’t a star at all.” ~ Neil Young, “Star of Bethlehem”
I have some cousins, and some nephews and nieces left. When you lose someone close to you, all that matters are the moments you spent with them. All the worldly chatter and events, politics and religion, possessions, disputes and arguments become trivial and fall by the wayside, only to bear the very core of your soul.
Since a few months have passed, I have accepted a new perspective from when I was going through the sudden emotional turmoil (but, is still ongoing, and has not completely dissipated; it comes and goes in waves).
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarressment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” ~ Steve Jobs.
There is a recording that I have discovered that helps ease my spirit and gives me peace of mind. It was released in 2016 and is titled “Mantras of Joy” by Julia Elena & Yvonne Lamberty. This mantra is “Om Asato Ma”. ~
“From ignorance lead me to truth
From darkness lead me to light
From death lead me to immortality”.